Irish Adventure (pt1)

When it comes to holidays my family think I am a bit anal. Past trips to Italy involved researching flight prices/times between various NW UK airports - Man, Liv, Bpl and airports in Italy - Bergamo, both Milan airports, Verona and Brescia and that's before we have even chosen any hotels or even resorts.

Going to Ireland was not quite as complicated but still presented a bit of a conundrum, An additional factor with this trip was Tesco - no that was not a typo (although other supermarkets are  available).

Tesco has a loyalty scheme that rewards shoppers with vouchers of a monetary value. Now many customers just use their vouchers pound for pound to reduce a particular shopping bill. Now a much more productive outcome is to use the vouchers on one of the many deals Tesco has set up with various other retailers - most crucially when used this way the voucher value quadruples.
Consequently, over the past 3 years, we have purchased over £1200 of watches and jewellery from Goldsmiths just by buying groceries and petrol from Tesco and the free vouchers we were awarded. So now you are wondering do I work for Tesco (no) or is this blog sponsored by Tesco (no) It was a total no brainer - jewellery and watches for just buying groceries we would have bought anyway.

With regard to this holiday this scheme allowed us to buy £300 of ferry travel without it costing a penny - it was the no brainer of no brainers. Using the tickets we went from Liverpool to Dublin on P&O Ferries. This also meant we could take our own car (we had heard some horror stories about car hire in Ireland) and we booked a cabin which was invaluable. The trip also include a free breakfast  upon departure and free evening meal prior to arrival in Dublin.(it was an 8 hr sail). So although it was a much longer journey, the free meals and cabin allied to avoiding the 200 mile return journey to Holyhead and the fact that it was only 20% more expensive than the 3 hr Holyhead - Dublin crossing made for a compelling case.









Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

A beautiful sepia world.

Watching recent YouTube video of Elbow (current favourite band) it seems some of the concert footage at Liverpool was filmed in sepia.

Sepia - what a revelation forget rose tinted we should all have sepia tinted glasses - even dog turds look cool!!!

Perhaps those w***ers who wear shades all the time have already fathomed out how much nicer a sepia tinted world looks and are willing to persevere despite looking like a total tosser at night and the increasing propensity to walk into things - doors, lampposts people - these accidents especially with something solid = black eye = sunglasses - so the whole thing becomes self perpetuating!!

So they start off wearing shade to look cool and then need shades through necessity
Ha bloody Ha


Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Winning the Lottery

I read recently that a lorry driver, on a whim, bought an extra 4 lines in a recent lottery game. He normally has 2 lines of his own numbers every Wednesday and Saturday but on this occasion he chose 4 random lines and won £17.8 million.

Now this guy is single and is obviously going to make the most of this life changing event but where do you start.  From a clearly working class background - 1 bedroom council house flat drives a lorry for a living - will he be totally comfortable with a millionaire lifestyle - his friends will end up envying him to the point of borderline hatred. Any new friends will live under a cloud of doubt - are they only there for the money?

He splashes out the cash to his family - from a similar background to him  - they would probably pack in their jobs and drink their way to an early grave or even get involved in drugs. I know it will  come across as snobbish but the working classes holiday in Blackpool and get bladdered and if in regular work they repeat this in Benidorm - will day after day of this kind of hedonism be healthy?? When he is lying next to a 24yr old pneumatic blonde having "suffered" his  fourth blow job of the day will he rue his new lifestyle and pander after the days when although skint he knew who his mates were and any one night stand resulted in sex with someone because they liked him and not his cheque book.

Aw bollocks enjoy it pal - if you do have regrets give it to charity.

For me, in the first instance I would tick the no publicity box - though it is a bit late for this guy. Then at least there would remain a sense of normality around you - people would not look at you with pound signs. You can be generous - knicker wettingly levels of generosity but at least it would be under control  and you could avoid the guilt of of having to be sensible regarding the multitude of depressing begging  letters that would surely arrive as there is far too much sadness and inequality in this world. Besides the more people who know the more people will help you spend the cash even quicker.

You can, ultimately, have too much of a good thing - a bit like curry fans whose palates become a waste ground as all their taste buds have been fried by too many vindaloos.
I, (total saddo) used to be a keen plane spotter - binocs, reg book, radio the lot! but after several years working in Heathrow Air Traffic Control Tower, although I am still interested, my childhood obsession is well and truly satiated. and I suspect the same will happen with the additional sex that comes with a large lottery win  - too many pointless, empty but raunchy encounters with partners of all ages, sizes and colours will eventually lead to early nights of ovaltine and boxed sets of Hettie Wainthropp!!

It may take a while though!!!




Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Evolution - the future??

People talk about improvements to the human body - eyes on the end of a finger, to see around corners, on the end of men's k**b's, inflatable breasts - all a bit predictable.

No, the obvious no-brainer  improvement is indicators
- built in indicators allow you to walk safely in a crowd, stop, turn left or right,  even when on the phone - what a boon! - but this, according to Darwin, would take millenia to develop, if at all.

In the meantime these improvements could be installed in a jacket - stop lights and indicators on the rear of a jacket.

The light setup would be gender specific
Women's - the standard indicator/stop light setup plus additional lights for shop sales - shoes and handbags in particular.

Men's - again the standard indicator/stop lights plus additional lighting when large breasted women are spotted, or a very short skirt, or pervy boots.

A bit like car drivers who warn other drivers about police mobile speed cameras men could warn of busty, short skirted thigh high booted temptresses!!



Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Future chubbies

It was said recently in the papers that scientists had developed a test that will detect upto 10 years ahead a persons likelihood of developing type 2 diabetes. I feel the obvious is being overlooked here.

Given the national propensity of video cctv security cameras and the development of face recognition software. It should be p**s easy to monitor the number of pies/cakes being eaten by Britain's potential chubbers, and the appropriate amount of metformin (diabetes medication) prescribed with each pie/cake.

Forget Al Quada/Real IRA - Greggs could be GCHQ biggest headache.

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Also recently read in the papers was that people who have properties in "spa" towns have paid, on average, 16% more than those in similar non "spa" towns.

The irony here is that I don't think there is any price premium for council properties on estates with Spar supermarkets.

So will the drag effect of a local Spar supermarket in Harrogate  offset each other??

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Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

York

A few months ago I went to York University with my family as my son had an interview there. The whole visit rapidly took on the spectre of being a total waste of time. I do not who is to blame for this - is it us the parents or my son  for not being thorough enough?

We love York, we regularly visit, we love the history of the place as one of England's great historical centres going back to Roman and Viking times. I think of York I think of old England, Cambridge, Oxford, Durham, Bath and the ancient seats of learning that go with them.

So, York University think -
old buildings, cloisters, closed environments squares, quadrangles etc.. - wrong, wrong, wrong
In reality think - out of town campus.
Think East German social housing estate circa 1973.
It was a total crap hole with a cherry on top.
Once parked up it simply got worse! We went into a "coffee shop" - given that most urbanites even outside London and even in Wigan are used to Starbucks, Cafe Nero types of facilities and service. This York University had a coffee room with piss poor selection, piss poor seating and closing at 3pm!!

The drama department, where my son was visiting was in a non-descript building on an industrial estate attached to the campus called York Technology Park - an out of town B&Q or ToysRus would have fitted in perfectly. Given that our son was there until 1700, 3 hours away we again struggled to find somewhere comfortable to wait. A lecturer suggested "Central Park" - another coffee room.

We found it eventually and again it was apparent it was to close at 1500 - however it was only 1415. But no sandwiches or cakes were available and best of all no hot water!!!! So no tea or coffee- what a farce I am redirected to an upmarket coffee vending machine, but this is u/s as its "filter"  was full!!
All in all it was  comfortable and well decorated  but completely devoid of any refreshment.

A coffee shop with no coffee or cakes is just a shop, if it has northing to sell at all it is not even a bloody shop it is just a bloody ROOM!!
-but one with lovely seating and a plasma TV





Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Chuggers - Charity Muggers !!

Last week whilst at Man U, the University not the footie team, I saw an ad on a Post Grad notice board for "Chuggers" - charity muggers - these are people that accost innocent members of the public in pedestrianised shopping areas desperate  to arrange direct debits for various disadvantaged groups home and abroad.

Today I saw a group of these undesirables- what is the collective term for chuggers a "turd"?

Anyway it is 0930 and the shopping streets of Liverpool were quiet and this turd were all coffee'd up getting some pre-match pep talk from their be-spotted leader.

It seems sex sells, well surprise, surf****ingprise. Young pretty chuggers target middle aged men who need confirmation that they have still got "it". All the porn they see on the internet about nubile teenagers needing a more experienced c**k is absolutely true!!
Then, this category of chugger target men of their own generation with whom a sexual liaison was always more likely. Flirt, flirt flirt until the mug signs up and the second the final sort code digit is inserted into the direct debit mandate form they instantly cast their victim aside eyeing up the next person in this target rich environment.

Now with male chuggers they again target the middle aged only women this time an assumption is made that they are all sexually frustrated and have seriously bought into the MILF mentality. The next target are girls their age especially chubby one, who rarely  get attention from slim, good looking men - and then the final group is gay men. Men of any age who are clearly homosexual and have a well developed sense of fashion, general trendiness and sympathy for impoverished groups to assuage any guilt they they may have over taking a key for the  backdoor.

30 minutes later I return, the chuggers are very busy with a pretty young blonde laughing at the comments of a middle aged baldy and a good looking 20 year old flirting shamelessly with a chubby 25 year old brunette.

Interestingly, the original notice board advert specified wages of £7.50-11.50 per hour - way above national minimum wages. Obviously if you are a merciless breaker of hearts with Olympic qualifying levels of flirting you can get over £10.00 per hour.









Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Newspapers

I have very recently started to read the "I" newspaper - it wasn't the writing or the handy format or the politics - it was the price - 20p. I found it increasingly difficult to justify spending upto £30/month on newspapers hardly more informative, full of right-wing columnists and people I don't even like.

But in the "I" is a daily comment  (about 250 words) by a complete wanker called Cooper Brown - every day is some  egotistical diatribe which invariably paints him as an almost outrageous super hero. He is sometimes blisteringly funny or as funny Santa's reindeers being put down.

But hey I read the column every day so whose the wanker?

Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Laptops - the truth THEY do not want you to know!!

 My laptop weighs a ton, I was mystified why this should be but then I eventually fathomed it out. 

There is a great secret that Microsoft/Apple do not want you to know. It wasn't critical in the past, computers were desk top or sat in towers on the floor but as laptops have become more ubiquitous it cannot remain a secret any more.

If you dig out your laptop manual and look at the specifications amongst the width x height x depth there will be a figure regarding the weight of the laptop  brand new - weigh your machine now - IT WILL BE HEAVIER - but why???

Data within a network involves transfer of electrical energy and one of the many units of energy, amongst others, is the calorie - and we all know that too many calories = fat 

So data downloaded onto a computer has consequences and for laptops in particular. 


A Microsoft Word typed document of  a single side of A4 = 2g in weight
An Excel spreadsheet with formulae  = 45-50g  in weight
A Lady Gaga mp3 file of 3 minutes = 15g in weight
Genesis Suppers Ready = 1.75kg !!


It doesn't stop there, the type of data making up the file is also critical 


An mpeg4 (video file) of an exercise video = 250g/hr
BUT
The latest edition of the "Biggest Loser" a dieting video = 1.3kg/hr

Indeed any programme with chubbers in - Vanessa Feltz or the chubby goth out of Gavin and Stacey will all be significantly heavier than equivalents with a thinner cast - indeed the final proof is with Oprah whose weight has gone up and down like a yo-yo, the editions when she is thinner WILL be lighter than her chubbier offerings.  


So you have been warned -

Bigger hard drive  = more data = heavier laptop = more strain on laptop case strap = more Quasimodo type gait




PROVE MR WRONG!!





 






Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

The Women of Star Trek

                                                                                                                        

Over the various series and films women have made a variety of contributions.

Uhuru plus short skirt!!!

Initially, Uhuru was the established sex angle, with her unfeasibly short skirt and bluetooth type earpiece (one of the many alleged visions of the future!!) Obviously the prudish American censors would not allow some of the raunchiness seen in later series.

Legendary deep space Lothario Captain Jim Kirk would have no time for wooing or even foreplay as he would have a string of birds who would be loved, shagged and bumped off within the 60 mins of each episode.

Then in the Next Generation it was the ships counsellor Troi who carried the sex appeal for a new generation of fans and nerds. She gradually became sexier as the series progressed and was pretty gorgeous by the time the films came out.

By Star Trek Voyager, somebody had finally twigged that sex sells and a major shift in Federation based sexuality had occurred. Seven of Nine was a cool blonde who as well as being gorgeous had a totally killer body. Even her name was provocative seven of nine to me represented the fraction of my privates (in inches) excited by her screen presence - only with me her name should have been eight of eight as surely she was capable of exciting 100% of anything!! - the missus says she should be so lucky more like 4⅔ out of 4⅔ !!

Then the prequel Enterprise came along with the most erotic Trekkie of them all - T'Pol - whose uniform was soooo tight she didn't wear it it was spayed on or perhaps she was lowered naked into a vat of coloured paint.

There was even an episode where she needs to be fertilized and becomes a nymphomaniac - hot, sweaty and barely clothed and had to be locked up for the safety of the crew!!!

Who says Sci-Fi was just for nerds it has clearly become a holiday home for pervs as well!! 

Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!