Can't seem to get away from Liverpool!!

In LPL again, doing my usual kerb crawling of all the coffee houses - ended up in Lewis's on Liverpool One (a big city centre shopping centre) I go to the toilets, usual dilemma. I go into trap 1 for a number 2, but by the time I have taken off my coat and hung up my rucksack some git has gone into trap 2. Now whether it is because I am English or male or both but I suspect I am not alone and I suspect many others of different race and gender absolutely HATE hearing  strangers poo, with the ultimate experience of then seeing the perpetrator of such hideous sound effects and/or eye watering odour and ultimately coming face to face of the owner of such an arse. Its a bit like imagining the Queen having a dump or Angelina Jolie having a wee - well perhaps not the second one as many males would hunt cyberspace space high and low for images of that one!!                                                                                                                    

So there we were both sat in silence each waiting for the first to break, I could hear his breathing he was clearly desperate but also determined not to make the first move. Someone came in to the toilet for a wee - this would be a chance when he washes his hands he would then use the new generation of Airblade hand dryer which is deafeningly loud and produces more noise than hand drying effect. It was like a gun fight at high noon only sat down and indoors I was getting desperate my arse was straining to hold back what normally have already been underwater by now (in the toiletbowl) - who was going to make the first embarrassing noise - would it be a baritone fart, a squeaker, a diarrhoea like down pour , or a near silent hiss I have no idea what MY arse is gonna do let alone the guy next door - surely the Airblade would soon fire up and deafen everyone within 10 feet - but NOOOO the dirty bastard left without washing his hands.
After what now had seemed like an eternity a tiny squeak was just about heard from my neighbour- I half expected a single mouse dropping come rolling under the partition - I jerkily sat bolt upright relieved the bastard had finally started and I then felt a jet of icy cold water on my backside and gentleman's dangly bits - me sitting upright had set off the cistern censor that triggered the flushing action. Of course the massive increase in ambient noise that now allowed my unscrupulous neighbour to completely evacuate his bowel with one massive chugging fart.
Now upon reflection I now suspect  that the original squeak was a trap setup  to either lure me into starting my evacuation procedures or as it did do set off the handle-less flush- the dirty bastard then quickly left the bogs without even washing his hands - I suspect he was determined to avoid a face to face encounter - not that I would have said or done anything I am an Englishman after all!!! ( Give the demonstrated level of deviosity - far more than a women even, I genuinely suspect the this dirty handed git to be a foreign tourist - you get a lot in Liverpool)