Coffee bars................

Another type of person who frequents these places are local coffin dodgers - older men who have nothing else to do as the coffee bar has replaced the local Labour/Working Men's Club. They sit in small groups nursing a small cappuccino for one and a half hours - and tell amazingly involved tales that invariably need to be told standing up as well as sitting down. Here in Liverpool, overheard conversations involve one of two working environments "The Docks" and "Ford's at Halewood"
With "The Docks"  the stories were difficult to date or follow. But with "Ford's" it was long stories with frequent references to Granadas. Escorts and Cortinas!!
But in the main the whole cliched thing about Liverpudlians about being warm and funny is true especially the older ones aged 30+ - the younger ones are generally little bastards - but isn't that the same in most places??

A couple of Imperial Stormtroopers taking some well deserved R and R at Tatooine Holiday Inn
( FYI Darth Vader is just out of the scene at the bar picking up three pints of mild and a packet of pork scratchings which, interestingly dispels any anti semitic theories about the Dark Force alluding to some Jewish domination of space!!!)

Liverpool .............

One thing that never fails to impress me about Liverpool is the architecture. I mean Manchester is  more prosperous but the legacy of Georgian and Victorian buildings in Liverpool remind you of a bygone age when Manchester was a collection of modest streets and Liverpool was booming - the fact it was largely based on the slave trade does take the edge off it a bit but hey shit happens!!! - but this is a serious bit of shit - one that takes three  attempts to flush down the bog.

Apparently this was the original Starbucks corporate logo which mysteriously didn't catch on












Sitting in yet another coffee shop at the bottom of Bold Street, watching hundreds of people go by it seems this seasons predominant colour is black or very very dark grey, nutty slack or hole de calcutta.  But occasionally someone goes by with tights or a hoodie or leggings that are sooo bright they not only have labels with size and washing instructions but a label stating the wattage of the item- these things give off electrons they are probably charged up every night along with their "mowbeees" (mobile phones in english)

Scum dressed like this would blind security staff at airports especially when they overload the new body scanners. Staff would need to wear welding goggles just to look at them never mind pat the buggers down.

Never mind Al Qeada exploiting this anomaly, scum would just use this to get a litre of rola cola airside thus avoiding the totally rip off prices of airport soft drinks. I mean if booze and fags are so much cheaper because of duty free why is pop and water sooo expensive??

That's what pisses me off the most about terrorism not the posibility of making a very close high speed encounter with a famous European landmark - NO, getting screwed over the price of 500ml of Diet Coke at Manchester Airport supposed duty free!!

I mean have AQ ever done a cola bomb?  As far as liquids are concerned just make the suspect terrorist have a quick swig - if they start to panic or refuse or they have a drink and then begin to projectile vomit 25ft across the security area then we can safely asume it is not Sunny D in the smoking, slightly distended now melting bottle. Oh and another thing don't be confused by the fact that the suspect has a return ticket - devious bastards use this a lot to convince security that they are legit and are planning to come back!!

I mean just how many virgins are there in heaven?  How many have previously died? - is this why the Taleban in Afghanistan are so casual about how many civilians are killed?
"Hey Mustafa how many infidel soldiers did our roadside bomb from Allah kill?"
"None - but we did get the local girls school minibus going for netball practice!!!"
"OH YES!! pass me the fanta bomb or the device made by the evil Dr Pepper's!!"


You know I seriously wonder whether I should have got that Frankie Boyle book for Christmas!!

Liverpool, Muzzeees and white vans.

Was in Liverpool recently doing the coffee room shuffle (a sort of non-alcoholic pub crawl) Weird places coffee rooms - outside London virtually unheard of 10 - 15 years ago, yet now they inhabit every highstreet - even Wigan (not the end of the world but you can see it from there!!) has 6+  !!! 
They seem to be frequented by foreign men - immigrants/asylum seekers/illegal aliens, who are very idiosyncratic - very physical, (well far more than any Englishman who is sober and not following a football team!!) closely bonded, amiable and very respectful of white local men, well they are with me (perhaps they identify/ admire my beard!!) 
It does seem the coffee rooms have replaced the ordinary pub for lunchtime or daytime refreshment - it certainly is for muslim men who originate from cultures which ban alcohol.

Later that day I had a run in with a white van man - these are males who have a rough approximate relationship with most things - the highway code, possessing a driving licence, the highway code, full insurance cover, personal hygiene and the highway code. 
Anyway this guy was driving a huge white van  and was responding to a police car whose siren was blaring and blue lights flashing, by trying to clear a path for the emergency vehicle......... now lets just pause there - a white van man trying to be courteous to another road user - a police car!! - his experiment with courtesy was by driving onto the pavement and nearly knocking me over. 

Twice he came onto the pavement and twice he nearly knocked me down! He was concentrating so much on his rear view mirror he completely forgot about what was at the end of his front bumper -ME !!!

I advised him carefully and succintly as to his shortcomings as a driver but amazingly he attempted to justify his actions by alluding to the emergency rozzer mobile with siren and blue flashing lights. - I had a total sense of humour failure. 

Later on I wondered exactly what had this guy got in the back of his van that caused him to be so freakishly observent of the Highway Code - well not the bits about pedestrians having the right of way on PAVEMENTS!! 

= perhaps he was delivering a new batch of illegal aliens to the local Starbucks!!

First post - always the tricky one !!!

Where do I start? 

A brief biog? 

Straight in with both size eleven's? 

Or a wimpish apology for what I am about to put out onto the electronic version of a town cryer? Apologising for my inexperience naivete and general hubris that I can write funny and keep people entertained.

                                                                   

I mean there is some ego at work that assumes that this could be a success. 

Or is this more appropriate?