What are the Germans upto??

At the moment the Germans are shitting bricks over their nuclear power programme. In an industry that has a reasonable safety record, despite the very best efforts of Homer Simpson, with just 2 serious incidents in the last 60 years, with the last nearly 25 years ago - Germany is getting panicky over Japanese nuclear problems - Germany, like the UK and France is in one of the most seismically benign areas of the  globe - Japan has been clobbered by unparalleled tremors and their resultant tsunami allied to a country with a phenomenally high population density whose capital and its environs have a population of 39 million on their own equivalent to over half the population of all of the UK. 




But then again the Germans are sometimes quick to jump on the bandwagon. I remember a few years ago when German Greenpeace got all stroppy about BP or Shell planning to deliberately sink an oil rig in the North Atlantic.
Now there is no nation on earth responsible for more scrap metal on the bottom of the North Atlantic, I do not recall Captain Hans the ruggedly  handsome Ayrian U Boat commander in his chunky sweater asking for an environmental assessment prior to emptying torpedo tubes 2 and 3 and sending another UK bound tanker to the bottom. 


So, basically the Germans being worried about nuclear power is all a bit hypocritical . They are probably trying to  misdirect us from something else, 
it will probably come out that it was a german company that provided hand made underwear to Colonel Gaddafi, or plutonium to Iran or earthquake detection equipment to Christchurch, or condoms to Burlesconi, or delusional self confidence to Michael O Leary (the boss of Ryanair) or bullshit to Nick Clegg or hubris to the Tory party.

(PS - my wife had  a friend who is German and when her mechanic boyfriend couldn't get the exhaust to work on her VW Beetle without leaking fumes into the the car she said "Well what do you expect from a German car designed by the Nazis!!!")     


Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

A Failure of Senses

Now it is said that your senses can compensate for any shortfalls. Blind people can develop super sensitive hearing, deaf people are superlative in needle/haystack scenarios.

Now without my specialist contact lenses I am virtually blind and I wear a hearing aid in my right ear - so where does my body go to over compensate for these deficiencies - do I develop an extraordinarily amazing sense of taste with an over sized tongue with  the dexterity of a humming bird and be popular with the ladieeeees!!

NO - if you saw me in profile you will understand why my classmates aged 12 called me Pinocchio.  No, they couldn't call me Concorde - technological marvel admired all over the world and now much lamented - NO I was named after a goofy looking Italian wooden puppet!!

Anyway I thought my super nasal sensitivity would only be good for avoiding standing in dog shit at 50m - but no!

My 19 year old son has taken to inviting loads of mates around to his attic based den sometimes upto the early hours of the morning. We suspected that occasionally smoking goes on ( now since my Dad, his Grandad died from smoking related problems aged 57 we have a total downer on the evil weed). 

Now the thing about all smokers is that they become immune to the smell of smoke and although gum can freshen their breath their clothes and furniture absolutely stink!!

On this particular occasion I detected a slight smokey smell and I propped open the hatch (attic room) and saw a sight to behold - not only was there people smoking but my son had his Velux roof window wide open (it was mid winter about +3C outside) and an electric fan pointing at the window allegedly attempting to blow the cigarette smoke out of the window. My anger was tempered by the shock on their faces and the total lunacy of their crackpot solution!!  super schnozz or what!

I keep telling my son about the links between smoking and Alzheimer's but I dont think he is taking me seriously !!

Disabled parking

Well the spelling is certainly disabled!! 

The other day I was shopping at Morrisons (UK major supermarket chain) when I noticed a garishly coloured (metallic mustard) Renault Kangoo parking in the disabled parking bays adjacent to the store entrance - amazingly the driver and passenger were old and looked quite infirm (damn it!!) But I was still taken aback by the luridity (is there such a word? - if not there should be) of the car, the colour was not just eye catching its brightness was causing interference with my hearing aid!!   

I think all people who claim mobility allowance and park in disabled parking places should have cars of shocking colours - this would avoid the surf board bedecked Range Rover Sport or the BMW Z3 with a blue disability sticker.

This would be a return to a few decades ago when all people with disabilities had just the bog standard  invalid car  (see photo) a three wheel scooter with an all plastic body and were ultimately withdrawn because they turned out to be creating more disabled people than ever, as they were a motorized death trap. 

In those days these cars were sooo embaressing that there was no driver envy or blatant abuse of the system. 
So if people want subsidised driving and the opportunity to park absolutely anywhere, like sideways on a zebra crossing, and right next to the door of any supermarket in the land then they can only use a car that is painted in hideous spectrum colours. eg turd brown, metallic vomit, colostomy bag green etc...

Can't seem to get away from Liverpool!!

In LPL again, doing my usual kerb crawling of all the coffee houses - ended up in Lewis's on Liverpool One (a big city centre shopping centre) I go to the toilets, usual dilemma. I go into trap 1 for a number 2, but by the time I have taken off my coat and hung up my rucksack some git has gone into trap 2. Now whether it is because I am English or male or both but I suspect I am not alone and I suspect many others of different race and gender absolutely HATE hearing  strangers poo, with the ultimate experience of then seeing the perpetrator of such hideous sound effects and/or eye watering odour and ultimately coming face to face of the owner of such an arse. Its a bit like imagining the Queen having a dump or Angelina Jolie having a wee - well perhaps not the second one as many males would hunt cyberspace space high and low for images of that one!!                                                                                                                    

So there we were both sat in silence each waiting for the first to break, I could hear his breathing he was clearly desperate but also determined not to make the first move. Someone came in to the toilet for a wee - this would be a chance when he washes his hands he would then use the new generation of Airblade hand dryer which is deafeningly loud and produces more noise than hand drying effect. It was like a gun fight at high noon only sat down and indoors I was getting desperate my arse was straining to hold back what normally have already been underwater by now (in the toiletbowl) - who was going to make the first embarrassing noise - would it be a baritone fart, a squeaker, a diarrhoea like down pour , or a near silent hiss I have no idea what MY arse is gonna do let alone the guy next door - surely the Airblade would soon fire up and deafen everyone within 10 feet - but NOOOO the dirty bastard left without washing his hands.
After what now had seemed like an eternity a tiny squeak was just about heard from my neighbour- I half expected a single mouse dropping come rolling under the partition - I jerkily sat bolt upright relieved the bastard had finally started and I then felt a jet of icy cold water on my backside and gentleman's dangly bits - me sitting upright had set off the cistern censor that triggered the flushing action. Of course the massive increase in ambient noise that now allowed my unscrupulous neighbour to completely evacuate his bowel with one massive chugging fart.
Now upon reflection I now suspect  that the original squeak was a trap setup  to either lure me into starting my evacuation procedures or as it did do set off the handle-less flush- the dirty bastard then quickly left the bogs without even washing his hands - I suspect he was determined to avoid a face to face encounter - not that I would have said or done anything I am an Englishman after all!!! ( Give the demonstrated level of deviosity - far more than a women even, I genuinely suspect the this dirty handed git to be a foreign tourist - you get a lot in Liverpool)