some more general comments

         

           

Darth Vader caught in bed with vicar’s wife – may the farce be with you

Luke Skywalker is in music room with 6 choir boys – feel the farce Luke, feel the farce.     

    

 

Recently overheard conversation in the Trafford Centre food court - Went on holiday in Bulgaria – spent 2 weeks with no clothes as they lost my suitcase!!  My better half found it hilarious – until she realised her hair straightners were in my case

 Me – two weeks semi naked/scruffy/smelly       

 Her – FRIZZY

   

        Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

some general comments

What we have learned this week

Nick Clegg claims the Lib Dems are boxing above their weight – No Nick

Kerry Katona getting onto Celebrity Big Brother is boxing above their weight.

Stoke City playing in Europe is boxing above their weight.

Simon Cowell having a threesome based on his personality and not being a multi-millionaire is boxing above their weight.

All the Lib Dems are doing is boxing – adding a little veneer of credibility to the immoral Tories a bit like spreading a pristine, white embroidered table cloth onto a septic tank, the Lib Dems are merely boxing and are about to hit the canvas when the Boundary Commission have finished their work and no amount of smelling salts will bring them around and this ghastly, unseemly grab for power by the most minor of the three parties will be finally over, they are featherweights and always will be.

What we have learned this week

You have to admire Queen’s Park Rangers budget keeping efforts

i.e. sending players home by public transport

then again they may only be in the top flight for one season –

or about half the length of a Mexican marriage

What we have learned this week

Some council house tenants are buying old bangers and putting them in

their front garden on bricks along with kiddies trampolines and multiple

satellite dishes.

So that council snoopers don’t twig that they earn over £100k

What we have learned this week

The latest range of Tube trains will have driver cab luxuries such as

cappuccino machines and croissant warmers as befits higher rate tax

 payers earning £50k+ per year

No more egg rolls, mugs of Oxo and a rolled up Daily Star for them.

What we have learned this week

A young 10 year old boy was injured in East London today when he and his

spacehopper cleared the Olympic stadium roof.

It seems that the intrinsic, undeniable bounciness of the spacehopper allied

to the superbly bouncy Mondo running track proved to be an unbeatable

combination.

Assorted comments

Pompous old military type voice –

I think the word gay should be reclaimed by the good, honest, decent middle classes of the Home Counties. It should mean happy and care free. For example that nice Dr Liam Fox is always smiling and meeting good friends on holiday so why cant we call him gay in the original sense. of course nobody is saying he’s a bottom bandit he is just happy and GAY!!

Very posh clipped female voice -

Hello there, we have just won £101 million and though we have gone public everyone can bugger off!! Thank you.

Older cockney male voice-

The answer to the Olympic stadium problem is they should all ave it. So it would be the home ground for Crystal Orient West Hotspur –sea.       Dunno what division they would be in, though??

Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

An Announcement !

I greatly appreciate when people go to the trouble of leaving a comment it is very encouraging whether the comment is good or not so good. More recently I had a comment from someone who wanted me to contact them but unfortunately failed to leave a contact address - if that  person could leave an email address I would be happy to get in touch - but please I would encourage all who read this blog to comment if you can, even if it is anonymous.

Many thanks  - Will Yerlaff
 
Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Irish Adventure (pt1)

When it comes to holidays my family think I am a bit anal. Past trips to Italy involved researching flight prices/times between various NW UK airports - Man, Liv, Bpl and airports in Italy - Bergamo, both Milan airports, Verona and Brescia and that's before we have even chosen any hotels or even resorts.

Going to Ireland was not quite as complicated but still presented a bit of a conundrum, An additional factor with this trip was Tesco - no that was not a typo (although other supermarkets are  available).

Tesco has a loyalty scheme that rewards shoppers with vouchers of a monetary value. Now many customers just use their vouchers pound for pound to reduce a particular shopping bill. Now a much more productive outcome is to use the vouchers on one of the many deals Tesco has set up with various other retailers - most crucially when used this way the voucher value quadruples.
Consequently, over the past 3 years, we have purchased over £1200 of watches and jewellery from Goldsmiths just by buying groceries and petrol from Tesco and the free vouchers we were awarded. So now you are wondering do I work for Tesco (no) or is this blog sponsored by Tesco (no) It was a total no brainer - jewellery and watches for just buying groceries we would have bought anyway.

With regard to this holiday this scheme allowed us to buy £300 of ferry travel without it costing a penny - it was the no brainer of no brainers. Using the tickets we went from Liverpool to Dublin on P&O Ferries. This also meant we could take our own car (we had heard some horror stories about car hire in Ireland) and we booked a cabin which was invaluable. The trip also include a free breakfast  upon departure and free evening meal prior to arrival in Dublin.(it was an 8 hr sail). So although it was a much longer journey, the free meals and cabin allied to avoiding the 200 mile return journey to Holyhead and the fact that it was only 20% more expensive than the 3 hr Holyhead - Dublin crossing made for a compelling case.









Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

A beautiful sepia world.

Watching recent YouTube video of Elbow (current favourite band) it seems some of the concert footage at Liverpool was filmed in sepia.

Sepia - what a revelation forget rose tinted we should all have sepia tinted glasses - even dog turds look cool!!!

Perhaps those w***ers who wear shades all the time have already fathomed out how much nicer a sepia tinted world looks and are willing to persevere despite looking like a total tosser at night and the increasing propensity to walk into things - doors, lampposts people - these accidents especially with something solid = black eye = sunglasses - so the whole thing becomes self perpetuating!!

So they start off wearing shade to look cool and then need shades through necessity
Ha bloody Ha


Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Winning the Lottery

I read recently that a lorry driver, on a whim, bought an extra 4 lines in a recent lottery game. He normally has 2 lines of his own numbers every Wednesday and Saturday but on this occasion he chose 4 random lines and won £17.8 million.

Now this guy is single and is obviously going to make the most of this life changing event but where do you start.  From a clearly working class background - 1 bedroom council house flat drives a lorry for a living - will he be totally comfortable with a millionaire lifestyle - his friends will end up envying him to the point of borderline hatred. Any new friends will live under a cloud of doubt - are they only there for the money?

He splashes out the cash to his family - from a similar background to him  - they would probably pack in their jobs and drink their way to an early grave or even get involved in drugs. I know it will  come across as snobbish but the working classes holiday in Blackpool and get bladdered and if in regular work they repeat this in Benidorm - will day after day of this kind of hedonism be healthy?? When he is lying next to a 24yr old pneumatic blonde having "suffered" his  fourth blow job of the day will he rue his new lifestyle and pander after the days when although skint he knew who his mates were and any one night stand resulted in sex with someone because they liked him and not his cheque book.

Aw bollocks enjoy it pal - if you do have regrets give it to charity.

For me, in the first instance I would tick the no publicity box - though it is a bit late for this guy. Then at least there would remain a sense of normality around you - people would not look at you with pound signs. You can be generous - knicker wettingly levels of generosity but at least it would be under control  and you could avoid the guilt of of having to be sensible regarding the multitude of depressing begging  letters that would surely arrive as there is far too much sadness and inequality in this world. Besides the more people who know the more people will help you spend the cash even quicker.

You can, ultimately, have too much of a good thing - a bit like curry fans whose palates become a waste ground as all their taste buds have been fried by too many vindaloos.
I, (total saddo) used to be a keen plane spotter - binocs, reg book, radio the lot! but after several years working in Heathrow Air Traffic Control Tower, although I am still interested, my childhood obsession is well and truly satiated. and I suspect the same will happen with the additional sex that comes with a large lottery win  - too many pointless, empty but raunchy encounters with partners of all ages, sizes and colours will eventually lead to early nights of ovaltine and boxed sets of Hettie Wainthropp!!

It may take a while though!!!




Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Evolution - the future??

People talk about improvements to the human body - eyes on the end of a finger, to see around corners, on the end of men's k**b's, inflatable breasts - all a bit predictable.

No, the obvious no-brainer  improvement is indicators
- built in indicators allow you to walk safely in a crowd, stop, turn left or right,  even when on the phone - what a boon! - but this, according to Darwin, would take millenia to develop, if at all.

In the meantime these improvements could be installed in a jacket - stop lights and indicators on the rear of a jacket.

The light setup would be gender specific
Women's - the standard indicator/stop light setup plus additional lights for shop sales - shoes and handbags in particular.

Men's - again the standard indicator/stop lights plus additional lighting when large breasted women are spotted, or a very short skirt, or pervy boots.

A bit like car drivers who warn other drivers about police mobile speed cameras men could warn of busty, short skirted thigh high booted temptresses!!



Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Future chubbies

It was said recently in the papers that scientists had developed a test that will detect upto 10 years ahead a persons likelihood of developing type 2 diabetes. I feel the obvious is being overlooked here.

Given the national propensity of video cctv security cameras and the development of face recognition software. It should be p**s easy to monitor the number of pies/cakes being eaten by Britain's potential chubbers, and the appropriate amount of metformin (diabetes medication) prescribed with each pie/cake.

Forget Al Quada/Real IRA - Greggs could be GCHQ biggest headache.

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Also recently read in the papers was that people who have properties in "spa" towns have paid, on average, 16% more than those in similar non "spa" towns.

The irony here is that I don't think there is any price premium for council properties on estates with Spar supermarkets.

So will the drag effect of a local Spar supermarket in Harrogate  offset each other??

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Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

York

A few months ago I went to York University with my family as my son had an interview there. The whole visit rapidly took on the spectre of being a total waste of time. I do not who is to blame for this - is it us the parents or my son  for not being thorough enough?

We love York, we regularly visit, we love the history of the place as one of England's great historical centres going back to Roman and Viking times. I think of York I think of old England, Cambridge, Oxford, Durham, Bath and the ancient seats of learning that go with them.

So, York University think -
old buildings, cloisters, closed environments squares, quadrangles etc.. - wrong, wrong, wrong
In reality think - out of town campus.
Think East German social housing estate circa 1973.
It was a total crap hole with a cherry on top.
Once parked up it simply got worse! We went into a "coffee shop" - given that most urbanites even outside London and even in Wigan are used to Starbucks, Cafe Nero types of facilities and service. This York University had a coffee room with piss poor selection, piss poor seating and closing at 3pm!!

The drama department, where my son was visiting was in a non-descript building on an industrial estate attached to the campus called York Technology Park - an out of town B&Q or ToysRus would have fitted in perfectly. Given that our son was there until 1700, 3 hours away we again struggled to find somewhere comfortable to wait. A lecturer suggested "Central Park" - another coffee room.

We found it eventually and again it was apparent it was to close at 1500 - however it was only 1415. But no sandwiches or cakes were available and best of all no hot water!!!! So no tea or coffee- what a farce I am redirected to an upmarket coffee vending machine, but this is u/s as its "filter"  was full!!
All in all it was  comfortable and well decorated  but completely devoid of any refreshment.

A coffee shop with no coffee or cakes is just a shop, if it has northing to sell at all it is not even a bloody shop it is just a bloody ROOM!!
-but one with lovely seating and a plasma TV





Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Chuggers - Charity Muggers !!

Last week whilst at Man U, the University not the footie team, I saw an ad on a Post Grad notice board for "Chuggers" - charity muggers - these are people that accost innocent members of the public in pedestrianised shopping areas desperate  to arrange direct debits for various disadvantaged groups home and abroad.

Today I saw a group of these undesirables- what is the collective term for chuggers a "turd"?

Anyway it is 0930 and the shopping streets of Liverpool were quiet and this turd were all coffee'd up getting some pre-match pep talk from their be-spotted leader.

It seems sex sells, well surprise, surf****ingprise. Young pretty chuggers target middle aged men who need confirmation that they have still got "it". All the porn they see on the internet about nubile teenagers needing a more experienced c**k is absolutely true!!
Then, this category of chugger target men of their own generation with whom a sexual liaison was always more likely. Flirt, flirt flirt until the mug signs up and the second the final sort code digit is inserted into the direct debit mandate form they instantly cast their victim aside eyeing up the next person in this target rich environment.

Now with male chuggers they again target the middle aged only women this time an assumption is made that they are all sexually frustrated and have seriously bought into the MILF mentality. The next target are girls their age especially chubby one, who rarely  get attention from slim, good looking men - and then the final group is gay men. Men of any age who are clearly homosexual and have a well developed sense of fashion, general trendiness and sympathy for impoverished groups to assuage any guilt they they may have over taking a key for the  backdoor.

30 minutes later I return, the chuggers are very busy with a pretty young blonde laughing at the comments of a middle aged baldy and a good looking 20 year old flirting shamelessly with a chubby 25 year old brunette.

Interestingly, the original notice board advert specified wages of £7.50-11.50 per hour - way above national minimum wages. Obviously if you are a merciless breaker of hearts with Olympic qualifying levels of flirting you can get over £10.00 per hour.









Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Newspapers

I have very recently started to read the "I" newspaper - it wasn't the writing or the handy format or the politics - it was the price - 20p. I found it increasingly difficult to justify spending upto £30/month on newspapers hardly more informative, full of right-wing columnists and people I don't even like.

But in the "I" is a daily comment  (about 250 words) by a complete wanker called Cooper Brown - every day is some  egotistical diatribe which invariably paints him as an almost outrageous super hero. He is sometimes blisteringly funny or as funny Santa's reindeers being put down.

But hey I read the column every day so whose the wanker?

Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

Laptops - the truth THEY do not want you to know!!

 My laptop weighs a ton, I was mystified why this should be but then I eventually fathomed it out. 

There is a great secret that Microsoft/Apple do not want you to know. It wasn't critical in the past, computers were desk top or sat in towers on the floor but as laptops have become more ubiquitous it cannot remain a secret any more.

If you dig out your laptop manual and look at the specifications amongst the width x height x depth there will be a figure regarding the weight of the laptop  brand new - weigh your machine now - IT WILL BE HEAVIER - but why???

Data within a network involves transfer of electrical energy and one of the many units of energy, amongst others, is the calorie - and we all know that too many calories = fat 

So data downloaded onto a computer has consequences and for laptops in particular. 


A Microsoft Word typed document of  a single side of A4 = 2g in weight
An Excel spreadsheet with formulae  = 45-50g  in weight
A Lady Gaga mp3 file of 3 minutes = 15g in weight
Genesis Suppers Ready = 1.75kg !!


It doesn't stop there, the type of data making up the file is also critical 


An mpeg4 (video file) of an exercise video = 250g/hr
BUT
The latest edition of the "Biggest Loser" a dieting video = 1.3kg/hr

Indeed any programme with chubbers in - Vanessa Feltz or the chubby goth out of Gavin and Stacey will all be significantly heavier than equivalents with a thinner cast - indeed the final proof is with Oprah whose weight has gone up and down like a yo-yo, the editions when she is thinner WILL be lighter than her chubbier offerings.  


So you have been warned -

Bigger hard drive  = more data = heavier laptop = more strain on laptop case strap = more Quasimodo type gait




PROVE MR WRONG!!





 






Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

The Women of Star Trek

                                                                                                                        

Over the various series and films women have made a variety of contributions.

Uhuru plus short skirt!!!

Initially, Uhuru was the established sex angle, with her unfeasibly short skirt and bluetooth type earpiece (one of the many alleged visions of the future!!) Obviously the prudish American censors would not allow some of the raunchiness seen in later series.

Legendary deep space Lothario Captain Jim Kirk would have no time for wooing or even foreplay as he would have a string of birds who would be loved, shagged and bumped off within the 60 mins of each episode.

Then in the Next Generation it was the ships counsellor Troi who carried the sex appeal for a new generation of fans and nerds. She gradually became sexier as the series progressed and was pretty gorgeous by the time the films came out.

By Star Trek Voyager, somebody had finally twigged that sex sells and a major shift in Federation based sexuality had occurred. Seven of Nine was a cool blonde who as well as being gorgeous had a totally killer body. Even her name was provocative seven of nine to me represented the fraction of my privates (in inches) excited by her screen presence - only with me her name should have been eight of eight as surely she was capable of exciting 100% of anything!! - the missus says she should be so lucky more like 4⅔ out of 4⅔ !!

Then the prequel Enterprise came along with the most erotic Trekkie of them all - T'Pol - whose uniform was soooo tight she didn't wear it it was spayed on or perhaps she was lowered naked into a vat of coloured paint.

There was even an episode where she needs to be fertilized and becomes a nymphomaniac - hot, sweaty and barely clothed and had to be locked up for the safety of the crew!!!

Who says Sci-Fi was just for nerds it has clearly become a holiday home for pervs as well!! 

Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

What are the Germans upto??

At the moment the Germans are shitting bricks over their nuclear power programme. In an industry that has a reasonable safety record, despite the very best efforts of Homer Simpson, with just 2 serious incidents in the last 60 years, with the last nearly 25 years ago - Germany is getting panicky over Japanese nuclear problems - Germany, like the UK and France is in one of the most seismically benign areas of the  globe - Japan has been clobbered by unparalleled tremors and their resultant tsunami allied to a country with a phenomenally high population density whose capital and its environs have a population of 39 million on their own equivalent to over half the population of all of the UK. 




But then again the Germans are sometimes quick to jump on the bandwagon. I remember a few years ago when German Greenpeace got all stroppy about BP or Shell planning to deliberately sink an oil rig in the North Atlantic.
Now there is no nation on earth responsible for more scrap metal on the bottom of the North Atlantic, I do not recall Captain Hans the ruggedly  handsome Ayrian U Boat commander in his chunky sweater asking for an environmental assessment prior to emptying torpedo tubes 2 and 3 and sending another UK bound tanker to the bottom. 


So, basically the Germans being worried about nuclear power is all a bit hypocritical . They are probably trying to  misdirect us from something else, 
it will probably come out that it was a german company that provided hand made underwear to Colonel Gaddafi, or plutonium to Iran or earthquake detection equipment to Christchurch, or condoms to Burlesconi, or delusional self confidence to Michael O Leary (the boss of Ryanair) or bullshit to Nick Clegg or hubris to the Tory party.

(PS - my wife had  a friend who is German and when her mechanic boyfriend couldn't get the exhaust to work on her VW Beetle without leaking fumes into the the car she said "Well what do you expect from a German car designed by the Nazis!!!")     


Remember two wrongs don't make a right bit three rights make a left!

A Failure of Senses

Now it is said that your senses can compensate for any shortfalls. Blind people can develop super sensitive hearing, deaf people are superlative in needle/haystack scenarios.

Now without my specialist contact lenses I am virtually blind and I wear a hearing aid in my right ear - so where does my body go to over compensate for these deficiencies - do I develop an extraordinarily amazing sense of taste with an over sized tongue with  the dexterity of a humming bird and be popular with the ladieeeees!!

NO - if you saw me in profile you will understand why my classmates aged 12 called me Pinocchio.  No, they couldn't call me Concorde - technological marvel admired all over the world and now much lamented - NO I was named after a goofy looking Italian wooden puppet!!

Anyway I thought my super nasal sensitivity would only be good for avoiding standing in dog shit at 50m - but no!

My 19 year old son has taken to inviting loads of mates around to his attic based den sometimes upto the early hours of the morning. We suspected that occasionally smoking goes on ( now since my Dad, his Grandad died from smoking related problems aged 57 we have a total downer on the evil weed). 

Now the thing about all smokers is that they become immune to the smell of smoke and although gum can freshen their breath their clothes and furniture absolutely stink!!

On this particular occasion I detected a slight smokey smell and I propped open the hatch (attic room) and saw a sight to behold - not only was there people smoking but my son had his Velux roof window wide open (it was mid winter about +3C outside) and an electric fan pointing at the window allegedly attempting to blow the cigarette smoke out of the window. My anger was tempered by the shock on their faces and the total lunacy of their crackpot solution!!  super schnozz or what!

I keep telling my son about the links between smoking and Alzheimer's but I dont think he is taking me seriously !!

Disabled parking

Well the spelling is certainly disabled!! 

The other day I was shopping at Morrisons (UK major supermarket chain) when I noticed a garishly coloured (metallic mustard) Renault Kangoo parking in the disabled parking bays adjacent to the store entrance - amazingly the driver and passenger were old and looked quite infirm (damn it!!) But I was still taken aback by the luridity (is there such a word? - if not there should be) of the car, the colour was not just eye catching its brightness was causing interference with my hearing aid!!   

I think all people who claim mobility allowance and park in disabled parking places should have cars of shocking colours - this would avoid the surf board bedecked Range Rover Sport or the BMW Z3 with a blue disability sticker.

This would be a return to a few decades ago when all people with disabilities had just the bog standard  invalid car  (see photo) a three wheel scooter with an all plastic body and were ultimately withdrawn because they turned out to be creating more disabled people than ever, as they were a motorized death trap. 

In those days these cars were sooo embaressing that there was no driver envy or blatant abuse of the system. 
So if people want subsidised driving and the opportunity to park absolutely anywhere, like sideways on a zebra crossing, and right next to the door of any supermarket in the land then they can only use a car that is painted in hideous spectrum colours. eg turd brown, metallic vomit, colostomy bag green etc...

Can't seem to get away from Liverpool!!

In LPL again, doing my usual kerb crawling of all the coffee houses - ended up in Lewis's on Liverpool One (a big city centre shopping centre) I go to the toilets, usual dilemma. I go into trap 1 for a number 2, but by the time I have taken off my coat and hung up my rucksack some git has gone into trap 2. Now whether it is because I am English or male or both but I suspect I am not alone and I suspect many others of different race and gender absolutely HATE hearing  strangers poo, with the ultimate experience of then seeing the perpetrator of such hideous sound effects and/or eye watering odour and ultimately coming face to face of the owner of such an arse. Its a bit like imagining the Queen having a dump or Angelina Jolie having a wee - well perhaps not the second one as many males would hunt cyberspace space high and low for images of that one!!                                                                                                                    

So there we were both sat in silence each waiting for the first to break, I could hear his breathing he was clearly desperate but also determined not to make the first move. Someone came in to the toilet for a wee - this would be a chance when he washes his hands he would then use the new generation of Airblade hand dryer which is deafeningly loud and produces more noise than hand drying effect. It was like a gun fight at high noon only sat down and indoors I was getting desperate my arse was straining to hold back what normally have already been underwater by now (in the toiletbowl) - who was going to make the first embarrassing noise - would it be a baritone fart, a squeaker, a diarrhoea like down pour , or a near silent hiss I have no idea what MY arse is gonna do let alone the guy next door - surely the Airblade would soon fire up and deafen everyone within 10 feet - but NOOOO the dirty bastard left without washing his hands.
After what now had seemed like an eternity a tiny squeak was just about heard from my neighbour- I half expected a single mouse dropping come rolling under the partition - I jerkily sat bolt upright relieved the bastard had finally started and I then felt a jet of icy cold water on my backside and gentleman's dangly bits - me sitting upright had set off the cistern censor that triggered the flushing action. Of course the massive increase in ambient noise that now allowed my unscrupulous neighbour to completely evacuate his bowel with one massive chugging fart.
Now upon reflection I now suspect  that the original squeak was a trap setup  to either lure me into starting my evacuation procedures or as it did do set off the handle-less flush- the dirty bastard then quickly left the bogs without even washing his hands - I suspect he was determined to avoid a face to face encounter - not that I would have said or done anything I am an Englishman after all!!! ( Give the demonstrated level of deviosity - far more than a women even, I genuinely suspect the this dirty handed git to be a foreign tourist - you get a lot in Liverpool)

Coffee bars................

Another type of person who frequents these places are local coffin dodgers - older men who have nothing else to do as the coffee bar has replaced the local Labour/Working Men's Club. They sit in small groups nursing a small cappuccino for one and a half hours - and tell amazingly involved tales that invariably need to be told standing up as well as sitting down. Here in Liverpool, overheard conversations involve one of two working environments "The Docks" and "Ford's at Halewood"
With "The Docks"  the stories were difficult to date or follow. But with "Ford's" it was long stories with frequent references to Granadas. Escorts and Cortinas!!
But in the main the whole cliched thing about Liverpudlians about being warm and funny is true especially the older ones aged 30+ - the younger ones are generally little bastards - but isn't that the same in most places??

A couple of Imperial Stormtroopers taking some well deserved R and R at Tatooine Holiday Inn
( FYI Darth Vader is just out of the scene at the bar picking up three pints of mild and a packet of pork scratchings which, interestingly dispels any anti semitic theories about the Dark Force alluding to some Jewish domination of space!!!)

Liverpool .............

One thing that never fails to impress me about Liverpool is the architecture. I mean Manchester is  more prosperous but the legacy of Georgian and Victorian buildings in Liverpool remind you of a bygone age when Manchester was a collection of modest streets and Liverpool was booming - the fact it was largely based on the slave trade does take the edge off it a bit but hey shit happens!!! - but this is a serious bit of shit - one that takes three  attempts to flush down the bog.

Apparently this was the original Starbucks corporate logo which mysteriously didn't catch on












Sitting in yet another coffee shop at the bottom of Bold Street, watching hundreds of people go by it seems this seasons predominant colour is black or very very dark grey, nutty slack or hole de calcutta.  But occasionally someone goes by with tights or a hoodie or leggings that are sooo bright they not only have labels with size and washing instructions but a label stating the wattage of the item- these things give off electrons they are probably charged up every night along with their "mowbeees" (mobile phones in english)

Scum dressed like this would blind security staff at airports especially when they overload the new body scanners. Staff would need to wear welding goggles just to look at them never mind pat the buggers down.

Never mind Al Qeada exploiting this anomaly, scum would just use this to get a litre of rola cola airside thus avoiding the totally rip off prices of airport soft drinks. I mean if booze and fags are so much cheaper because of duty free why is pop and water sooo expensive??

That's what pisses me off the most about terrorism not the posibility of making a very close high speed encounter with a famous European landmark - NO, getting screwed over the price of 500ml of Diet Coke at Manchester Airport supposed duty free!!

I mean have AQ ever done a cola bomb?  As far as liquids are concerned just make the suspect terrorist have a quick swig - if they start to panic or refuse or they have a drink and then begin to projectile vomit 25ft across the security area then we can safely asume it is not Sunny D in the smoking, slightly distended now melting bottle. Oh and another thing don't be confused by the fact that the suspect has a return ticket - devious bastards use this a lot to convince security that they are legit and are planning to come back!!

I mean just how many virgins are there in heaven?  How many have previously died? - is this why the Taleban in Afghanistan are so casual about how many civilians are killed?
"Hey Mustafa how many infidel soldiers did our roadside bomb from Allah kill?"
"None - but we did get the local girls school minibus going for netball practice!!!"
"OH YES!! pass me the fanta bomb or the device made by the evil Dr Pepper's!!"


You know I seriously wonder whether I should have got that Frankie Boyle book for Christmas!!

Liverpool, Muzzeees and white vans.

Was in Liverpool recently doing the coffee room shuffle (a sort of non-alcoholic pub crawl) Weird places coffee rooms - outside London virtually unheard of 10 - 15 years ago, yet now they inhabit every highstreet - even Wigan (not the end of the world but you can see it from there!!) has 6+  !!! 
They seem to be frequented by foreign men - immigrants/asylum seekers/illegal aliens, who are very idiosyncratic - very physical, (well far more than any Englishman who is sober and not following a football team!!) closely bonded, amiable and very respectful of white local men, well they are with me (perhaps they identify/ admire my beard!!) 
It does seem the coffee rooms have replaced the ordinary pub for lunchtime or daytime refreshment - it certainly is for muslim men who originate from cultures which ban alcohol.

Later that day I had a run in with a white van man - these are males who have a rough approximate relationship with most things - the highway code, possessing a driving licence, the highway code, full insurance cover, personal hygiene and the highway code. 
Anyway this guy was driving a huge white van  and was responding to a police car whose siren was blaring and blue lights flashing, by trying to clear a path for the emergency vehicle......... now lets just pause there - a white van man trying to be courteous to another road user - a police car!! - his experiment with courtesy was by driving onto the pavement and nearly knocking me over. 

Twice he came onto the pavement and twice he nearly knocked me down! He was concentrating so much on his rear view mirror he completely forgot about what was at the end of his front bumper -ME !!!

I advised him carefully and succintly as to his shortcomings as a driver but amazingly he attempted to justify his actions by alluding to the emergency rozzer mobile with siren and blue flashing lights. - I had a total sense of humour failure. 

Later on I wondered exactly what had this guy got in the back of his van that caused him to be so freakishly observent of the Highway Code - well not the bits about pedestrians having the right of way on PAVEMENTS!! 

= perhaps he was delivering a new batch of illegal aliens to the local Starbucks!!

First post - always the tricky one !!!

Where do I start? 

A brief biog? 

Straight in with both size eleven's? 

Or a wimpish apology for what I am about to put out onto the electronic version of a town cryer? Apologising for my inexperience naivete and general hubris that I can write funny and keep people entertained.

                                                                   

I mean there is some ego at work that assumes that this could be a success. 

Or is this more appropriate?